The Voices In My Head

You know those stories where lovers cross paths, never noticing one another before they "actually" meet. Of course, ending (or more rightly beginning)with love at first sight. Both, never realizing that first sight was oh so long ago.

Amazingly, the story of "us" is remarkably similar. We "met" for the first time, just randomly chatting on okcupid.com. Our first meeting was several months later, when he asked me to a concert. That fateful day, we discovered we had more than musical interest in common.

He is actually related to someone I made the mistake of dating several years ago, before I moved to Rochester. Upon the shock of remembering, where images of years past flooded my mind. I sorted out a few.

A man, sitting at a computer desk, as I walked behind. Catching a glimpse of a profile as I passed. Asking "who was that?" when I got to the car. "Just my nephew", I was told. Nothing more was said. I remember vaguely the thoughts that occurred to me at that moment. "He is cute", "I should have said hi, I feel rude now", and "Your nephew is an adult??" I believe that was even the day that he called his mother from my car in her driveway, stating that he was "outside with Megan"

The way he talked about "his nephew". I assumed he was a child. He wanted me to keep the impression that he took care of his mother on his own. I, of course, know now that is not the case. There are only a few years age difference in the two, physically. Mentally, there might as well be eons.

If only I had met the one I know now first. So many mistakes would have never happened. Perhaps, I needed those lessons though, to be able to fully appreciate the man whose love I have now.

<3Lissa

I have been neglecting this journal. I guess it is in part due to the fact that I have spent all this time in person with the one person who even reads this.

I almost don't even know what to write right now.

In response to his journal. I am a little scared too. I am a little scared all the time. So, maybe that is why I seem to be dealing better. Because a little scared is a part of my natural behavior. I really don't think there is much to worry about though. Things are shaping out nicely. Things are too good right now to start a bad luck streak.

The only reason I asked him not to worry, or think negatively of the situation. Is so that, the negative is less likely to happen. I believe pretty firmly that we can lend our energy to whatever we chose to, by our thoughts and actions concerning it. If we worry, we are telling the universe that we WANT something to go wrong.

Above all else, Christmas was great!

I spent the Holiday with Jeremy and his family. They treated me like one of their own. I was actually pretty amazed by that. My own family on the other hand, decided to not make a single effort at all.

Each year that passes, we get a little further apart, a little more distant from tradition. This year was the first time we weren't all together on Christmas. We did not even celebrate until the 29th. No home cooked dinner, no opening presents. We went out to eat, with one of the people from my mom's pagan group.

It is sad that I only felt the Christmas spirit this year, with someone else's family.

On the up side, I am now $350 closer to my camera. Once I get my settlement check from the accident. I will have enough to get a D-SLR maybe. I am still considering that though. Since, I am not that familiar with a more professional camera. Jeremy is pushing for it though. I may cave.

~Lissa

Tonight was the big Christmas dinner for the Leh Nah Weh Organization. I have volunteered with them a few times over the summer. I ran a ticket booth at the big Intertribal Pow Wow in July, Attended their lecture, and dinner with Master Iachak Don Taxco, Set up for their Ghost Dinner a couple weeks ago, etc...

I have had a lot of memorable experiences working with the Native Americans here. I would really like to be more involved with them. But with moms boyfriend gone on the road, one of us always has to stay here to keep the store open. And guess who is always voted in for that one.

IF she would have asked me, I would have agreed to stay and work in the store. The point I am trying to make is, I was not even asked. It was just assumed. When she came home she even said "well I would have invited you, but I needed someone to stay in the store" So don't even give me a choice in the matter. Not like I am even a paid employee.

Then after that she sets her doggy bag on the table, and says "oh, I would have ordered you something too, but it was just so crazy in there." So she gets to go to this big dinner, I don't. I stay home and take care of HER DREAM all night, so she can. And she can't even bring me home dinner.

I feel really appreciated right now. I would compare myself to Cinderella at the moment, but someone else has already taken that name. Except, she seems to always make it to the ball, and has yet to scrub a fucking fireplace.

~Lissa

Why can't there be generosity like this in ones own family? Why do we all wait until a stranger is in need to show our true and most gracious selves?

My mom payed some asshead to plow out the "parking area" today. He did a crap job, and made it impossible for any cars to get INTO it. When she finally noticed the mess he made as the kid down the street was coming in doing some Christmas shopping with his first paycheck. The kid, right then, offered to go home and get his shovel, and fix it for free.

He just got a job at the party store across the street. His first paycheck was only $35. He had a whole list of people to by for. My mom told me that she knew no matter what he would go WAY over $35. So everything he picked up she cut him a deal on. She said she was shocked when it managed to ring up $36.

Mom watched him bust his ass out there for a long time, reflecting on how he spent every penny he had on others. The mound left by the plow wasn't exactly small. When he was done, she called him in and said, "you know, if anyone in your family comes in and wants to know what you might want as a Christmas present, what should I tell them?" He told her he likes to collect swords, but he couldn't ask for any of the big ones she has on the wall, because he wouldn't want anyone to spend that much on him. She showed him a smaller one in the case. He loved it. So she put it in a box, handed it to him, and said "Merry Christmas".

Insert Aww moment.

Too bad there isn't love like that for ones own flesh and blood.

~Lissa

Mom is STILL on ebay. Somebody show me how to block websites. Ebay and Myspace are getting blocked!

She is buying ass loads of silver jewelry now too. ON TOP of the half a dozen china dolls, AND Native American replica pieces, AND stone jewelry from China, etc.

I honestly don't know what all she has bought so far. But it's been a week or more straight now. But we don't have the money to do a proper Christmas, she says.

She just bitched me out, because I asked if she could afford all this. She has been complaining HEAVILY for the past few days to her boyfriend that there is no money for bills. So I get my ass handed to me for showing any concern. "I complain to him because I don't want him sucking money out of the bank account, because I am trying to afford a $300 camera for SOMEONE"

Yea, cause only in mom world can you spend every last penny to your name, and that HELPS you save up for something else. I love how EVERYTHING lately is a guilt trip to me about that fucking camera.

Yea, that is what I asked for for Christmas. There isn't really anything else I want. I even told her that if it was out of the question, I would just save up for it myself, I would rather have a good camera, that I want, than some crappy one, because it was more affordable.

How does that make me a greedy person? I basically let her off the hook. Now she can do whatever the fuck she wants for Christmas, and she can't be blamed for it being shitty for me.

Oh wait, if I'm not the bad guy, she can't be the martyr, and I have now just ruined Christmas for her.

My Bad.....Sorry.

~Lissa

I am very proud of myself. The past few days have been rather productive for me.

It started with an eight hour stint working on a Christmas surprise for Jeremy. (He is going to love it, I hope) I sold my soul for that one though. In showing that I was in a painting mood again, I had to promise my mother I would paint more items for the store.

So yesterday I got some neat things in, pictures soon, I hope. I also made some cute little things for his sisters. I was so bored home alone, I did a weeks worth of dishes for my mom, as well as scrubbed the Kitchen from top to bottom. I got all my wrapping done for Christmas last night. And this morning, for some strange and giving reason I made my mother a stone pendant.

With that said, the amount of snow outside and the cold that seems to blow right though even the most solid structures. I think I will be spending a good part of today curled up under a mound of blankets reading or drawing. Who knows.

<3 Lissa

Mom calls me out of my room last night. To tell her if the specs on this HP camera she found on ebay were good enough "Because I want it" she says "So I can use it to take pictures of things for the store so I can list them on the website and ebay."

Ok so that must mean I am not getting a camera at all, or she forgot about it completely. But yes, lets shop only for ourselves while putting off any kind of planning for our own children for Christmas.

THEN, I wake up this morning, to "look what I bought on ebay last night!" She is "stocking the store" she says, with Native American dolls and artifacts "in time for Christmas". Never mind the fact that MOST of it wont be here by Christmas, and she is stocking more merchandise than she KNOWS she would sell in just a few short weeks.

"I openly admitted to Keith (her bf) that I would LOVE to have it all for myself, but I just have to sell it." Sound logic, unless you are buying items that no one is really going to come to an occult store to buy. Like a Sacajawea porcelain doll set.

This store has become a hodge podge of useless crap nobody in their right mind would want, as a means for her to keep all the pretty things she buys without the boyfriend complaining that she is only shopping for herself.

Some of the current Items for sale at the Mystic Dragon Occult Gift Store

-Dollar store glitter pencils, and feathery pens
-Valentines Day stuffed animals
-Resin Native American Statuary
-Christmas Cards
-Fake flowers (also a Valentines item)
-Pool toys (left over from the summer)
-NASCAR memorabilia (left over from nascar season)
-Various Bongs, Pipes, and Smoking equipment
-Candy and Snacks
-Various Angel and Fairy statues
-Hand made self laminated bookmarks, one could make themselves with a stamp and construction paper
-Books you could easily find at Boarders, complete with their usual discounts
-Dime Store jewelry, and rings with lab created stones, like you could find at ANY chain store.
-And so much more (not really)

~Lissa

So I woke up this morning to a mad rush to get out of the house and make it to Adrian before we had to be back to open the store. As I am getting ready I am informed that NOW she wants to wait an hour or so, for her latest ebay auction to end, in an hour or so.

"So what are you buying?" I ask. "Oh, I am bidding on a drum for Abel's daughter. I want to get each of his kids something for Christmas. And I want to do something special for his daughter. She wants to drum, but her father wont let her because in his tribe women don't drum, but in her mother's they do. So I want to make a statement by giving her this really great drum I found on ebay. It is painted with bear clan and everything!" She responds, without a breath. She more excited at the prospect of this, than I have seen her in weeks.

So after being told that Christmas is virtually non-existent for our family this year, unless we are willing to wait until spring. She is in a state of ecstasy to do something special for someone else's children for the holidays.

THIS is my complaint. Where is that enthusiasm with her own family? Her own children for that matter? This reminds me of my Birth Day a few years ago, where she left me at home and took her latest project (a kid named Lenny, who was in an unpleasant family situation) to the Renaissance Fair and spent all of her money on "turning him into a wizard" for the day. With all of the expensive shit you could find there, wand, staff, cape, mask, you name it. Then she came home with a little necklace for me and told me that was all she could afford, and I would have to wait if I wanted anything "more" for my birthday. (Which I never got) We have already established that agreeing to wait in my family is an agreement to forget about it all together.

It is not even the vast contrast in monetary "love" she shows. I would have been happy just going along. But I was not even informed that there was a trip planned ON MY BIRTHDAY. Regardless of the fact that I nor my brother have EVER received such lavish treatment on ANY family outing EVER.

~Lissa

Why do I feel like such a greedy person right now? Is it really so evil of me to be depressed over Christmas? and the fact that my family is so dysfunctional, there is no hope of it being happy.

Is it fucked up that I am almost in tears 15 days before Christmas, becuase my mother would rather be shopping on ebay for native american artifacts for herself, and "her store", (which is a validation for buying for herself) than even attempting to shop for Christmas presents for myself or my little brother.

Yea, I know money is tight, namely because of the store. I am not TRYING to be greedy. But why should I feel bad at all for asking for a Christmas present? Just contemplating that makes me feel worse.

My mom tells me that whatever it is my brother asked for, he has been talked into waiting 'til spring for. I know how things go in this family. You let them put it off, you might as well just forget about it ever happening.

So does this mean there is no Christmas for us this year?

I don't think I feel guilty anymore for wanting to spend Christmas with Jeremy's family. Only, I am seriously distressed at the fact that his mother claims to be shopping for me. Somone elses family is planning to make Christmas for me, when even my own family couldn't care less.

This is all enough to make me crawl in a hole and never come out.

Why is it every time I move back home I end up in one of these unshakeable depressions?

Sleeping all day, PJ's 24/7, and antisocial Lissa, here I come.

~Lissa

I thought this page was down for good.

I was so upset that I JUST started a new journal, only to loose it to the vast interwebs.

Glad to see everything is ok.

IJ, don't scare me like that again!

~Lissa